Your feelings are, just that, your feelings. No one has the right to tell you they are wrong or mis-guided. Be careful of people who say, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” I’m guessing you heard this before, but have you ever thought of it as it relates to your pain tolerance level?
You can take this from the literal sense by thinking about when cold and flu season is at your door. Everyone around you who catches this nasty bug handles it differently, because how they feel, their level of pain, is different. Some may pull themselves up running to the gym to “sweat out” the sickness then head right out for a strong day of work. Others need to cocoon under a pile of covers for a day or two only lifting their head for a comforting sip of homemade chicken noodle soup. I’m betting you already have an affinity for one of these paths that fits you best. There isn’t a right or wrong choice.
Now, how about when someone blows out a knee?
Two decades ago my best friend and I tore our ACLs in a co-ed soccer game. She went down first with me just 10 minutes behind. We found ourselves crawling to our car tearing up through a combination of pain and laughter at the ludicrousness of the situation. Honestly, I have never meet anyone with her level of pain tolerance. I’m pretty a tough woman, but I couldn’t put any pressure on my leg and went straight into the ER then shortly afterwards had surgery. My best friend was definitely in pain, but decided to wait until it was more convenient for her and her job to get her fixed. She hobbled around on crutches for quite some time. Not for me, but was for her.
Doctors get a gage on how patients are feeling by asking, “What is your current pain level.” They do their best to remove their judgement of what the patient is feeling by using a comparative pain scale of 1 thru 10. The higher the number the higher the pain. In this case, both of us were actually at the same level 8 for pain tolerance, yet how we were able to cope was miles apart.
What I realize looking back on this particular situation and others, with a little perspective and time, is that what each individual can “handle” in their lives is just that–what that person can handle. There are times I’ve been in conversations with a group of people who are wondering why that stay-at-home mom has drama when she has it so easy. Or why that guy is always complaining about something when he should be enjoying the fact that he is incredibly wealthy.
For one thing, you can see how we muddy the waters with our own issues. Projecting our belief system or jealousies on their situation. Short sighted to say the least. We are not giving anything they need to help them through their situation.
For another, the disgruntled neighbor yelling at the stay-at-home mom about her dog barking in the mornings may be the worst thing that has ever happened to her. In her world of experiences this was horrific. Any impression to the contrary is incorrect speculation. Because you are a spectator! Nothing ever good comes from judging others. You may think you are helping, but instead are attaching part of yourself to their own personal circumstance. Honestly, this isn’t healthy for either party.
Instead… tune in as an active listener with your ears and your heart. Along the way nurture your compassion for the individual. They will be able to feel your support, because compassion provides a deep connection that is difficult to fabricate. This isn’t easy. Even Mother Teresa struggled with selfless compassion.
Getting perspective in your own situation is absolutely valuable. Creating that distance to get a good vantage point alleviates distress in itself. Taking in the warped perspective of someone else can leave you feeling depleted, unsure and anchored to a heaver weight than you started with.
Instead… honor what you are feeling then ceremoniously let it go. Moving on is an incredible release freeing you to heal. Thank those who attempt to give guidance, then absorb what you need. You know you better than anyone else. Use a well being daily practice to more clearly understand what fills and depletes you allowing higher resilience in the future.
Next time you see another faced with hard times or you happen to be wading through any yourself, think about how pain tolerance is personal. What you gain is worth it: perspective, compassion, resilience, freedom, and a better shot at well being.
photo credit: Sam Hood [Public domain or Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Leave a Reply